


The shadow of jealousy

by rokeat



Category: Take That
Genre: Canon, Drama, M/M, Romance, donage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-27 05:19:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/974883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokeat/pseuds/rokeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard is kind a jealous man, and he doesn't like it much when Robbie mentions having a crush on Jason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This comes from a prompt a dear friend threw a while ago about a Take That interview (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GR-2Q3-Z9ZI) where Robbie says he has a man-crush on Jason. What would happen if Howard got jealous over it? So here's the answer!

Jason tapped his fingers lazily on the passenger’s window of his boyfriend’s car. He was bored and uncomfortable: he was in the mood for a conversation, to comment on everything said in the interview they had just done because of Robbie’s comeback, like they always did whenever they had an event. But Howard was quiet today. Even moody, you could say, but Jason didn’t have a clue as to why. He had been talkative and cheerful enough at the interview, and they had had a great time. So it had to be he was angry or annoyed at him about something. But why?

“How?” Jason asked tentatively to the driver, only getting a grunt as acknowledgment he had been heard. “Is everything okay? You’re awfully quiet all off a sudden”

“I’m great” Howard answered, though the tone of his voice clearly belied his words.

“And why is it I don’t believe you?” Jason asked, careful to not sound unpleasant in case he really was angry at him about something.

“I don’t know” Howard answered plainly, coldly.

Jason just opened his eyes widely in surprise to Howard’s impertinence, as normally he was the warmest and nicest person that had ever existed. Not knowing what to say, Jason just resumed the taping on the window, clearly in discomfort with the atmosphere in the car.

“Could you please stop that?” Howard asked, though it was more command than a request, and Jason took his hand off the window as if it suddenly burned.

“Sorry” he apologised, more and more confused every minute.

Some minutes passed and none of them said anything. Jason looked through the window, but he really wasn’t admiring the landscape. He changed his position nervously and looked at his boyfriend out of the corner of his eye. But Howard remained impassive in his driving, dangerously quiet and still.

“Are you angry at me or something?” Jason finally asked when he couldn’t stand the uncomfortable silence anymore.

“Is there any reason why I should be?” Howard answered evasively.

“I don’t know, but it sure looks like you are”

Again, Jason’s words met no answer, so he sighed and let himself slip down a bit on his seat, resting his head on his hand, and only moved to turn on the radio to fill the silence.

**********

After what seemed like a long time, they reached Howard’s apartment. Howard opened the door and, after letting Jason in, he went directly to his room without saying a word, leaving Jason alone on the living room, not really knowing what to do. But enough was enough, he thought, so he went to the room after him.

“You know what? I’m leaving to my place” Jason informed him, not wanting to take it into debate.

“Why?” Howard asked him, looking directly at him for the first time since the interview.

“Why?” Jason repeated, sarcastically. “It’s pretty obvious you don’t want me here tonight, so...” he didn’t even feel the need to finish the sentence as he turned around and started his way down the hallway.

“Wait!” Howard pleaded, going after him to the door of the bedroom. “You don’t have to go”

“Yes, I have, I’m not going to stay here to put up with your bad temper without even knowing what is it about” Jason told him as he put his jacket on again, already at the door.

“Ok, you want to talk? Let’s talk” Howard offered, a little less distant than before.

Jason hesitated, but finally turned around again to look at Howard, but he didn’t approach him.

“I’m not angry, but I’m quite annoyed, I have to say” Howard started.

“And may I know why?” Jason asked, more annoyed by the minute.

“It’s about something that was said at the interview”

“Will you say it already?” Jason had no idea of what he was talking about, but Howard was really pissing him off with all that nonsense.

“How about that thing with... how did Robbie call it... oh yeah! The man-crush he has on you”

“What?” Jason didn’t remember what Howard was talking about, which made Howard suddenly doubt if it really had been very important to Jason. If he didn’t even remember about, it was plain to see that he had not given it too much thought.

“That thing Robbie said about you been a very handsome man, and he having a man-crush on you and Michael Buble” Howard reminded him, less confident than before.

Jason remained quietly looking at Howard for a second and then out of a sudden he burst out laughing.

“Tell me you’re joking” he said, when he was able to talk.

“Oh, so you think it’s funny?” Howard was getting annoyed again, seeing as he was not being taken seriously.

“Maybe I should worry that you don’t” Jason answered, laughter already dead.

“Why should I find it funny that someone else has a crush on my lover?”

“Maybe because it was meant to be a joke”

“Are you sure about that? ‘Cause he sounded very convincing to me when he said you could explore that over the next few months”

“Come on, Howard” Jason tried to make light of what he considered a ridiculous situation.

“And what about you?” Howard asked accusingly.

“What about me?” Jason answered, getting on the defensive.

“It makes me happy, worringly so” Howard made an annoying impression of him, to the point where Jason was starting not to find any of that funny at all. “You seemed pretty glad that he feels that way about you”

“I was flattered, of course”

“Just flattered?” Howard asked him, suspiciously.

“Yes, just flattered. Don’t you like it when people find you attractive?”

“I don’t know if I like it as much as you did”

“Howard, this is starting to get too ridiculous, okay? What is this really all about?”

“It’s just that... he seems to be pretty fascinated about you lately”

“That’s not true! He’s just making a big effort on repairing our friendship, but that's all. And even if it was true, so what? Just because someone feels attracted to me means that I’m going to fall on their arms instantly? Is that the trust you have in me?”

Howard didn’t say anything for a minute, just shaking his head, slightly embarrassed. He knew Jason was right, and he knew he was questioning him with no reason, but he couldn’t help but to feel jealous when someone else gave Jason the attentions Howard felt he was the only one allowed to do.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I can’t help it” Howard told him, honestly.

“You’re a very jealous man, you know” Jason told him, still quite offended.

“Yes, I know” Howard had to admit.

“I don’t like you treating me like I’m your property”

“I know, I’m really sorry” Howard begged for Jason’s forgiveness, feeling genuinely repentant.

Jason could tell Howard was really regretting his attitude and his words, he could see it in his eyes and in the way shoulders looked slumped. And Jason had never been one to hold a grudge for long, especially with his beloved lover, so he decided to put it all behind them and approached him until their bodies were touching.

“Come on, don’t be silly. You know I only have eyes for you” Jason told him as he slowly rubbed his own chest against Howard’s torso, enveloping his neck with his arms. “Even when you’re an idiot”

“I was being an idiot, right?” Howard asked, regretfully.

“Right. And now you’re being an even bigger idiot, ‘cause here I am, rubbing myself all over you, and you haven’t even touched one hair of mine” he told him seductively.

“Oh yeah?” Howard said, amused, putting his arms strongly around Jason’s waist. “How about this?”

“Not bad” Jason answered as he bit Howard’s bottom lip playfully.

“And what about now?” Howard asked as he grabbed Jason’s bum with one hand and the other one found his way under his t-shirt to lay flat on the skin of his lower back, making him shiver with anticipation.

“Much better” Jason mumbled against Howard’s lips, teasing him, but Howard was getting impatient and captured his lips in a powerful kiss, leaving them both breathless.

“Aren’t you wearing too much clothes?” Howard asked him teasingly as he pushed Jason’s jacket off his shoulders, making sure to press his hands to Jason’s shoulders and back all the way, and then let it fall on the floor, as he simultaneously started pushing Jason backwards with his own body towards the bedroom.

“If you think for one second I’m going to leave my jacket all crumpled up on the floor...” Jason told him, but his words were cut by his own groan when Howard started kissing his neck, accompanied with a bit of biting and a lot of tongue.

“Yes, I think you will” the older man answered huskily, lifting Jason’s shirt and letting his hands travel all around Jason’s back.

“Okay, you win, but just this time” he said, grabbing Howard’s face with both hands to bring it to him and kissed him hungrily.

“We’ll see next time” Howard mumbled against his lips as he raised both Jason’s arms over his head and lifted his t-shirt up, over his head and up his arms, until he freed Jason’s torso of all clothing and noticed how he got goose bumps all around his skin at the contrast with the cold November temperature of the apartment.

“It’s freezing in here” Jason told him, as he hurried to take Howard’s jersey and t-shirt out of the way and glued his body to his, so he could feel his body heat.

“Don’t worry, we’ll warm up in a second” Howard answered hungrily just as the back of Jason’s knees hit the bed and he was forced to fall on it, Howard following him instantly to climb on top of him and kiss him again.

“Someone’s a little anxious tonight” Jason joked between the kisses, as he could already feel Howard’s hands making all the way through his chest and stomach to reach his belt.

“I just want you to remember why you’re mine” Howard answered, lust very evident in his voice.

Although Jason knew the comment had been meant as a joke, he couldn’t help but to wonder how much truth there was behind those words, and how uncomfortable they made him feel again. He loved Howard like crazy, but he didn’t like when he got all territorial and jealous over him, as if he was his owner or something. Especially considering Howard well knew (or should know by now) that Jason didn’t think it was possible for him to love someone else, or even feel attracted to someone else (were twenty years of unconditional love on his part not enough proof enough?).

Fortunately, though, all distress and worrying thoughts left his mind instantly as Howard proceeded to assault his neck with his mouth again and his hand finally found its way down his waistband.

**********

Howard woke up in the middle of the night, feeling strangely worried about something, though he couldn’t figure out what. He turned his face to his left and saw Jason laying on his side, with his back to him. He couldn’t see his face, but he could tell he was awake by the way he breathed and by the tension on his muscles. Maybe he had sensed there was something wrong with Jason, and that’s why he had awoken.

Howard came closer to him and turned on his side too to envelop his lover in a strong but extremely loving embrace, that made Jason jump a bit at the unexpected contact, but then he chuckled fondly as Howard planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

“What are you doing awake, babe?” Howard asked, as he rested his cheek against Jason’s and squeezed him tighter.

“I can’t sleep” Jason answered simply.

“You okay?

“Yeah, I just can’t sleep” Jason told him reassuringly, lifting his hand to caress Howard’s other cheek.

“Is it about my stupidity from before?” Howard asked, still feeling guilty about it.

“It’s alright” he answered, dismissively.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t trust you”

“I know”

“I love you”

“I know that too” Jason answered, looking up to smile at his lover.

“Good” Howard asserted, before planting another kiss on the back of Jason’s neck and then resting his forehead in the same place to sleep, the strength on the grip around Jason’s waist not diminishing even after surrendering to slumber once again.

Jason did not find it that easy to sleep that night. They had made loved, it had been great, Howard had told him he loved him... They were supposed to be alright, the loving embrace that Howard kept on him while sleeping was a clear evidence of that. But Jason felt a strange uneasiness in his heart, a sense of foreboding that this was far from over. He knew the shadow of jealousy could be very long, and he had always been afraid of the dark.


	2. Chapter 2

Just a few weeks later, the rehearsals for their upcoming tour started somewhere in Bedfordshire in a massive Aircraft hangar practically as big as the stadiums they would be performing in on the upcoming months. They had picked that location because it was a perfect place to assemble the huge stage they would be using and rehearse with it, and it was not too far from London, so they could be getting home frequently during the weeks they would be working there.

Although for Howard or Mark it was the most tedious part of their job, Jason usually loved the rehearsing weeks. It was his favourite part of the job, as it was where he could contribute the most with ideas, dances, choreographies... These periods of time implied a lot of creativity first, and a lot of bonding after that as they rehearsed time after time every little piece of the show until everything was perfect. And him, being the team player that he was, enjoyed every minute of it like crazy.

But not so much this time. Things had not been going that well between Jason and Howard for some weeks now, and this had a big effect on his spirits. The other boys had noticed this, and were making an effort to make him feel better, which he really appreciated. But he knew he was not going to be okay until Howard stopped being so distant and cranky with him, and he didn’t see that happening any time soon. He had even made remarks about Robbie’s crush on him on several occasions that Jason had always denied, but he soon decided to ignore them to avoid any more fighting.

He had tried to talk about it with him, but Howard always acted the same: he would say nothing happened, he would kiss Jason and they would probably end up making love. But then, next morning, everything would be the same, and Jason was completely at a loss at what to do about it.

One of the nights they decided to get back to London after rehearsing, Jason and Howard were quietly watching TV in Howard’s apartment when Jason started feeling playful. He slowly slipped his hand under Howard’s T-shirt and his hand travelled all around Howard’s chest teasingly, making Howard smile.

“What are you doing?” Howard asked, not taking his eyes off the TV but a smile widening in his lips.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Jason asked as he threw himself at Howard and joined their lips with passion, biting Howard’s lip gently until Howard started responding to the kiss. Then Jason pushed Howard flat on his back on the sofa and he laid himself on top of him, hungrily kissing his neck as Howard’s hands wandered around his lower back. It was not much later that Jason lost his T-shirt to Howard’s experienced hands.

“I’ve had an idea for our shows” Jason mumbled against his lover’s lips.

“Oh yeah?” Howard asked him without much enthusiasm, much more interested in untying Jason’s belt, which was becoming quite a difficult task thanks to Jason’s inability to be still, than in anything he could say about the tour.

“I think it would be nice if we performed the _Kidz_ dance-off a little hotter, do you know what I mean? Like it’s a battle but there’s some attraction too. We could be really close together, a little touching here and there...” Jason told him, straddling him around his hips and licking his neck.

“No, I don’t think so. There’s no need for us to be so obvious to everybody” Howard said, stopping his loving ministrations to Jason, already less in the mood for this.

“Come on, it’s not like anybody is going to suspect anything about us just because we do that on stage. We already did at the ultimate tour, with that smoke thing...” Jason reasoned with him lifting Howard’s T-Shirt to try and get rid of it.

“I said no, I know where this is going and I don’t understand why we have to keep having the same conversation” Howard retorted angrily, pushing Jason’s hands away from him quite rudely and escaping from an stunned Jason to stand up. “I’m going to bed” he said without even looking at him, and he left the living-room.

Jason sighed, confused and sad, and let himself fall on his back on the sofa. He couldn’t understand Howard sometimes. They had been together for years now, and still he didn’t want anybody to know. Absolutely anybody. They could only spend together the nights they were sure nobody would know about: not with Howard’s daughters, not in hotels when the other boys could find out... It made Jason feel like they were doing something bad, dirty, and he was a bit tired of feeling like that. He needed a partner, not a lover. He had been asking for more to Howard for some time, but he remained fixed on his position about it. And that’s why he had got angry tonight, he suspected, because he had felt Jason was pressing him about it.

Jason sighed again, as he looked at the ceiling. He didn’t close his eyes at all that night. Nor he moved from the sofa.

**********

“You have to make it look like you are really arguing about it” Gary suggested, when they were rehearsing the part of the concert when Jason and Robbie would banter about Robbie’s leaving fifteen years ago. They knew their fans would love it.

“And then you have to make a good reconciliation, so everybody goes “awwww”... Some hugging would be nice” Mark offered, always fond of happy endings.

“Yes, I bet I could pick you up. Let me see if I can do it” Robbie said as he lifted Jason as easily as he would do with a child. “My God, Jay, do you weight something at all?” Robbie joked and the others laughed, except for Howard, who couldn’t take his eyes off Robbie’s arms, grabbing his lover just below his bum.

“Ok, that’s enough, boys” Howard said, a little too harshly, though only Jason noticed. “Jay and I need to practise the dance-off. It’s the most difficult part for us”

“Perfect by me” Robbie said, happily. “I need a little rest”

“And I need a little eating” Gary joked, already moving toward the catering area behind the stage with Robbie and Mark.

“Ok, what’s wrong with you now?” Jason asked Howard, a little tired about Howard’s attitude, and still annoyed about last night.

“Nothing, I...” Howard tried to justify himself.

“Just wanted to send Robbie away from me?” Jason asked, suspiciously.

“No” Howard denied, although he was lying. “I just wanted to be alone with you so I can apologize for last night” Howard told him, this time sincerely.

“Ok, go ahead” Jason answered, a little coldly still.

“I’m sorry, I know I was a little brusque”

“A little?”

“Ok, very brusque” Howard admitted, with a little smile. “I felt bad you didn’t come to bed all night”

“I didn’t feel I would be welcome” Jason answered, less coldly than before, but still Howard could see he had hurt him. He didn’t know what was wrong with himself lately; it was as if he was constantly in a bad mood, and he always made Jason pay for it. But that was just because it was precisely the situation with Jason that was making him that sour. Why did he have to pressure him so much with getting more committed? Weren’t they okay as they were? Why make it all more complicated? Howard didn’t want that, and Jason knew it, so what right did Jason have to ask so much of him?

And then there was the thing with Robbie. Ever since that interview when Robbie had revealed his crush on Jason –that Jason had claimed to be a joke, but he thought there was some truth behind it–, it seemed like the two of them were inseparable. They were always joking, always putting their arm around each other’s shoulders, exchanging tender smiles... Especially since Jason had started feeling down, it was as if Robbie was his guardian angel, always around him to make him laugh. Howard wondered a second if it was really like that or it was his jealousy talking. He didn’t care, though, the truth is he couldn’t stand it.

But he had to do something about Jason: he could see they were slowly falling apart, and Howard didn’t want to lose him. So if he wasn’t going to give him what he wanted, at least he would try to be more patient and loving with him, to show him they could keep being happy as they had been until then.

“I’m really sorry” Howard offered again, and Jason finally nodded.

“It’s okay” he conceded, although there was no trace of his usual smile on his lips. “And now let’s practise the dance-off, should we?”

As they danced, Jason couldn’t stop thinking how much greater would the whole thing look with his idea from last night: Howard slowly standing up with his face mere inches from Jason’s body, a little lip brushing... But he was not in the mood for another fight, nor did he think it would get him anywhere, so he just did what they had agreed before. Just as they were shaking hands at the end of the routine, though, Howard pulled Jason’s and brought him to him, immediately grabbing his waist with one arm and the back of his head with the other, and he captured his lips in a powerful and hungry kiss that surprised Jason for its fierceness.

“What was that about?” Jason said, trying to regain his breath when the kiss broke, resting his forehead on Howard’s.

“I don’t know, after last night... I just felt like it” Howard answered, not wanting to admit to himself that he was doing it to remind Jason that he was Howard’s lover, not Robbie’s.

Jason found it strange, but he had missed sweet loving Howard like crazy for the last weeks, so he surrendered to desire and wrapped his arms around Howard’s neck and returned the kiss fervently. Howard smiled fondly, but then he tried to stop Jason.

“Hey, you, stop it or someone will catch us”

“So what? Let them find out, it’s about time”

“Really? Again?” Howard asked, getting annoyed again really quickly. “Haven’t we discussed this enough times? I have my daughters to think about, and the press, and...”

“Ok, ok, I don’t want to talk about this again” Jason told him, clearly frustrated about a recurring conversation that never got him anywhere, as he let go of Howard and started walking away from him.

“What are you doing?” Howard asked at his retreating back.

“Just making sure nobody see us” Jason told him, annoyed, without looking back.

Howard sighed as Jason walked away to the main stage. He couldn’t help but to feel a little guilty about Jason’s lately frustration and sadness. His smile was less wide and his eyes didn’t sparkle anymore. Howard could see it –he always could see everything about Jason– but he couldn’t help it.

The other three boys made it to the main stage about the same time that Jason did, and Howard’s blood boiled as he saw Robbie immediately going to embrace Jason, joking all the time, and getting a smile from him that he himself had not been able to do.

**********

As it was Friday, that night everybody went to London to spend the weekend at home, with their families. Jason and Howard had not really talked about it, but they did what they usually did and hoped on Howard’s car to spend the night at one of their apartments, Jason’s this time.

They made the hour-long journey completely in silence, pretending to listen to the radio, and the tension was palpable for the both of them. Howard was angry; Jason was sad. Both were kind of dreading the two days off, as it was clear that things were not right between them at all.

They were making themselves something for dinner when Jason’s phone beeped with a text. Jason’s face lit with a smile Howard had not received for days when he read it.

“It’s Robbie” Jason explained, innocently, not even imagining how much Howard’s anger was growing by the second. “He says that tonight on telly there’s...”

“Are you having a good time with this?” Howard interrupted him roughly, annoyed about something that Jason couldn’t identify.

“With what?” Jason answered, totally confused, although with a sense of dread about what was going to happen that almost made him tremble.

“Do you do it to punish me for not giving you what you want or you do it ‘cause you really feel like it? No, it will be best if you don’t tell me, neither option will make me feel better”

“Howard, I assure you I don’t know what you are talking about” Jason pleaded for an explanation, trying to remain calm at his lover’s aggressive attitude.

“How about your thing with Robbie?”

“Oh God” Jason groaned, bringing his hands to his face to rub his eyes in a tired gesture. “I can’t keep having the same conversation over and over again”

“And can you blame me? Maybe you don’t realise it, but Robbie surely doesn’t make any effort to restrain himself from being all over you in front of me”

“Robbie’s happily married, for God’s sake! And even if it was true, why should he restrain himself in front of you? Do I have to remind you that he, or anybody else for that matter, doesn’t know about us? Why should he even imagine you’re going to get pissed off if he so much as talk to me?” Jason responded heatedly.

“He might be married, but that doesn’t mean he can’t have a thing for you, he admitted it himself when he said he had a crush on you”

“Oh my God, not again...” Jason exclaimed, tiredly.

“Come on, do you think I’m blind? All the hugging and touching, and the I-love-yous in your banter part of the concert... Let me tell you, he doesn’t miss the chance to grab your bum every time”

“Yeah? Well Gary does that too in the group hug and you don’t seem to mind. Or you did every night of The Circus tour to me and Mark, for God’s sake!”

“But that was only joking, it’s what we’ve always done!”

“And Robbie’s isn’t?”

“No! Robbie hasn’t been with us for ages, he shouldn’t be that used to our pranks”

“Oh, so he adapts quick and suddenly it’s a problem” Jason rebuked sarcastically.

“Don’t you joke about it on top of everything! I haven’t seen Rob look or touch the others as he does to you. And the worst thing is you don’t seem to mind at all. Quite the contrary, you’re enjoying it pretty much”

“If you mean that I am happy that I was able to mend a lost friendship that I cared deeply about, yes, you’re right, I enjoy it very much”

“I don’t know why you have to care so much about him if you know how much it annoys me”

“But can’t you see this is not about you? How can you be so selfish!” Jason accused him, angrier by the minute. “Precisely you, who are the only one who knows how I beat myself up for years for being the spokesperson in encouraging Robbie to leave the band. Now I have the chance to mend my mistake and not only that, but it turns out I’ve regained a nice friendship with him that I’m very proud of, because I never thought that would be possible. And instead of being happy for me that I was able to put a closure on one of the things I regret the most in my life, you turn it into something dark and dirty, and make me feel like I’m doing bad when I know it’s not true!”

“Are you sure it’s not true? How do I know you haven’t shagged him?” Howard asked heatedly, before he could stop himself.

Jason looked as if a bullet had come straight to his chest and gone through it, the impact of Howard’s question was so big. Howard could see it in his face, and immediately noticed how big a mistake he had made. He could only pray it would not have dramatic consequences.

“I can’t believe this” Jason said in a barely audibly voice, covering his face with his hands.

“Jay, I didn’t mean...” Howard tried to apologize, but Jason didn’t let him finish.

“Of course you meant it. You’ve been thinking these for days, or weeks. That’s why you were so distant with me at home and so possessive at the rehearsals, and that’s why you’ve been so unpleasant with Robbie. Now I get it”

“Ok, I can see I’ve crossed the line here, but...”

“No buts, How” he told him sadly, all the fight in him disappeared under some great sadness. “No buts. You now know I haven’t slept with him because you can tell I’m not lying, but you really suspected I had when you asked me”

“It was a mistake, I’m sorry”

“This was not a mistake. This just shows how little faith you have in us after all this time. Yeah, I know we’ve only been really together since Take That reunited, but you know I’ve been only yours for twenty years. And now someone makes a stupid comment about having a crush on me and you question my love and my loyalty? Just like that? What kind of a relationship is that?” Jason said, tears finally making their way down his cheeks. “Let me ask you something: are you jealous because you love me or just because you see me as your property in the band and no one else is allowed to touch me? Is it just a case of a wounded pride?”

Howard remained silent. He understood that this was the impression he was giving now, of a possessive and jealous man who only cared about property. Only five minutes ago he thought he had the right to demand explanations, he had felt in the position of being a victim. Now he could clearly see how much he had hurt Jason and how unfair it was for him, who always had given himself to him completely although he hadn’t received quite as much.

“I thought we were in for real this time. You asked me to give you one more chance and I did. But now I see it was only me. Once again” The grief was so great in Jason’s voice that Howard could almost feel his heart breaking.

“Jay, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, really”

“It doesn’t work like this, How. You can’t throw all this shit at me over and over again and then say you’re sorry and just expect me to forgive and forget one time after the other. God, I can’t take this anymore”

Howard felt ashamed of himself and terrified of what seemed like an ending. He couldn’t understand how he had let jealousy get the best of him –again– and how he had hurt Jason so immensely in the process.

“You have no idea how much you’ve hurt me with this” Jason went on with a muffled sob.

Howard’s major weakness had always been Jason’s tears: he couldn’t stand to see him cry, although the truth was that he had seen him crying very few times over the years, even when he had had major reasons. To know he had been the cause of it... He moved to embrace Jason, in an attempt of comforting him, but Jason moved away and stopped him with an arm in front of him.

“Don’t” he said, softly but firmly.

“Jay...” Howard exclaimed, astounded.  Never before had Jason refused his contact.

“I want you to leave”

“But Jay...” Howard implored.

“Please, go” Jason asked him again, his voice shaking, turning away from Howard.

Howard remained speechless for a second, and then turned away and started walking towards the door. He opened it and, before getting out, he turned around to look at Jason. He could see his shoulders starting to shake, caused by soundless sobs. Tears sprang to Howard’s eyes too as he closed the door after him, reality hitting him with force when he realized he had really screwed it up this time.


	3. Chapter 3

Howard dropped the phone on his bed unceremoniously, irritated. It was like the hundredth time he had called Jason that weekend, and still no answer. That had never happened before. Even in those times they had been apart, Jason had always been there for Howard. He might be a complete disaster with his mobile, never knowing where it was or even if it had sound on, so it was rare the time he answered instantly. But he would always, always, return the call.

Not this time. It was Sunday evening, two whole days had come and gone and he still didn’t know anything about him. Not even if he was okay. But come on, who was he trying to fool? He perfectly knew he would not be okay. He would be devastated. He probably hadn’t even slept nor eaten since Howard left the apartment on Friday. Ok, great, so now, apart from their fight, Howard was worrying about Jason’s physical welfare.

He could call Gary and ask him to call Jason, see if he was luckier with it. But then he would have to explain too many things. Howard and Jason were best friends to the eyes of everybody, it wouldn’t make any sense for Howard to ask Gary to check if he was okay. No, that was not an option.

Going back to his place wasn’t an option, either. If Jason didn’t want to talk to him, there weren’t many chances he would want to see him, and he wouldn’t even open the door to him, that’s for sure. If Jason was something, that was stubborn.

Getting kind of desperate, he decided to text him. If he didn’t want to talk to him directly, maybe just some written words... Howard didn’t care if he sounded like he was begging; he deserved that and much more, for all the pain he had caused Jason. And he just needed to know he was okay.

 _I know you don’t want to talk to me, but at least let me know you’re alive._  Sent. Howard prayed Jason would take pity on him. He knew Howard always worried about his habits –he always insisted for him to eat more, would stay awake with him caressing his hair the nights when slumber would avoid him– and he felt guilty when Howard worried so yes, he would take pity of him for sure.

Just half a minute later his phone beeped and Howard’s fingers didn’t seem fast enough to open the new message on the inbox.  _I’m alive_ , it said. No more than that, though to Howard it was like heaven, he thought, as he already felt like he could breathe easier.

He decided to try his luck and text him again. Maybe he would take pity on him again, who knew.  _Can we talk about it? I miss you_. Sent. Again, he held his breath, waiting for an answer that didn’t come this time.

As disappointed as he was that Jason hadn’t texted him back, he couldn’t help but smile. That was Jason, stubborn Jason: he wouldn’t talk to him, but he would answer back to keep him from worrying. He was kind like that. He loved Howard like that, in spite of everything. That thought brought tears to Howard’s eyes again: he had never doubted Jason’s love, never. How could he, after all Jason had gone through to be with him? Nobody else would have waited for him for years, even while he was away having other relationships, having children, having a life of his own. Jason had been the only constant in his life, the one he could always come back to when everything else failed. And he had not once reproached him for any of it.

So what was Howard so afraid of? Why couldn’t he surrender unconditionally to Jason, as he had done to him? He loved him with all his heart, even if it had taken years for him to admit it to himself. And up until a few weeks ago, they got along great. And even if they didn’t officially live together, they spend together almost every day of their lives in one or the other of their apartments –except if Howard had his daughters with him, of course. So what was Howard so afraid of?

He tended to tell himself that it was because of his girls, he didn’t know how they would react to his father sharing his life with another man. But if he had to be honest with himself, the chances they would be happy about it were high, as they really loved Jason and would always ask about him when some time went by that they didn’t see him. And Jason got along great with them, even with almost-a-teenager Grace. Better than him sometimes, Howard thought with a smile.

Other times he preferred to believe that it was because of the scandal that would fill thousands of pages from every possible newspaper and magazine if they ever would make it public. Two members of a pop band being a couple... It was too much. And again he had his daughters to think about, and how the paparazzi harassment would affect them.

And the band... What would the other boys think about it? Would they be okay with it? Would they feel uncomfortable? Would they feel betrayed they hadn’t said anything about it sooner? And the fans? Would Take That survive such a shocking revelation?

But deep down he knew the real truth: he was afraid of the commitment. He loved Jason so much –like he had never loved anybody before– that he was terrified that he would give himself completely to him and then things wouldn’t go well and he wouldn’t be able to survive it. To have Jason as a part of himself and then lose him... It was easier that way, being just lovers, enjoying each other without responsibilities, without so much vulnerability... He had failed in other relationships he had bet on, why would it be different this time?

Jason wasn’t like him. He was brave, he was not afraid of loving unconditionally nor of people knowing about them. Hell, if he wasn’t so terribly loyal to him he would probably have made it public somehow. But not without Howard’s permission, as much as he would want it. And there it was again: Jason putting Howard’s interest over himself. Jason deserved something better, Howard realised, someone who could give him what he wanted and love him unconditionally. Why couldn’t he be that someone?

And on top of that, Jason had to put up with all the interviewers and fans and even the other boys asking him about his inability to have a relationship, his fear of commitment, when the real reason of his feigned solitude was that he had committed himself to Howard more than twenty years ago. If they only knew he was the most committed person they could ever imagine...

With a tired sigh, Howard got used to the idea that he was not going to receive any more messages from Jason tonight. Not that he didn’t deserve it, he was not trying to fool himself. At least now he could stop worrying about Jason being okay. Physically okay, he meant. To know anything else, he would have to wait until tomorrow, where he would see him again at the hangar of Bedfordshire. They usually drove there together, but Howard knew tomorrow would not be like this and he would be travelling on his own. Suddenly he felt so alone... And it was with that solitude as his only companion that he got himself into bed, fully knowing that he would still be awake to welcome a new day.

**********

Howard arrived early to Bedfordshire the next morning, as he had been right with his suspicion that he would not be able to sleep for a minute. He didn’t feel like entering the gigantic and cold hangar all alone, without Jason’s warm to fill the stage for him to be comfortable at. He decided to remain in his car for a while to wait for everyone, so he rested his head on the headrest of his seat.

He must have dozed off because when he opened his eyes again more cars were parked around the hangar. He could see Gary’s, Mark’s and Robbie’s. Not Jason’s, though. Maybe he had come with some of the other guys? Or he had not come yet, and had texted some of the other boys to tell them he would not be coming today? Maybe it was too difficult for him to see Howard and had decided to stay home. Or he wasn’t feeling okay... Howard was already pulling his phone of his pocket to try texting him again when Jason’s car finally appeared and he got out of it.

Howard just needed a quick look to read on Jason’s pose how terribly miserable he was feeling. The most evident sign where his hunched shoulders. Then he noticed his crumpled clothing. But what shocked Howard the most was the way he walked: no swaggering, nor little jump in every step like he used to... No, just plain and slow walking, even dragging his feet.

Then Robbie got out of the hangar to meet him. He probably had called Jason to see where he was and he had told him he was already arriving. Howard watched as Jason reached Robbie, and how the latter could read Jason’s mood quite easily too, because although he couldn’t hear them from there, Howard could tell Robbie was saying something to cheer him up and, when he saw he was not going to achieve his goal, he simply hugged Jason to him. Not jokingly, as usual, but caring, and Jason seemed to cling to him in clear need of comfort.

Howard was surprised he didn’t feel any jealousy with that, precisely with the most intimate gesture of all he had seen between Jason and Robbie. But he had finally understood that Robbie was not the problem, that it had never been an option for Jason. So at that moment, if anything, he was glad Jason had someone who would look after him, now that he was not allowed to do it.

He looked at his phone before hiding again in his pocket and he noticed he had a missed call from Gary. So they had been calling for him too, of course. There was no sense on postponing the unavoidable tragedy of seeing Jason in pain and knowing he had been the one to cause it, so he got out of the car and joined his band mates in the hangar.

**********

Howard was sure that the other boys had to have noticed something. They only needed so much as rest his gaze on Jason for a second to see he was devastated. His lack of energy, the absence of any talking or joking, the dark circles around his eyes, the sadness in his gaze... Even if they didn’t know him to the extent that Howard did, even if they didn’t know what every little gesture and expression on his face meant as he did, they had to notice. And if Howard could see himself, he would have realised that the grief was pretty evident on him too.

No one said anything about it, though. Yes, they were nice with them, they tried to cheer them up even, but no one asked them about it. At least not to him, so he supposed they didn’t ask Jason either. Maybe Robbie had... but Jason surely wouldn’t say anything.

If he could only talk to Jason... It was killing him seeing Jason like that. And it was killing him not really knowing how things were between them. He didn’t think Jason would be able to put an end to whatever there was between them without a word to him. So when the rehearsals finished for the day and everybody was getting ready to leave to the hotel, Howard waited until there was nobody around Jason to approach him.

“Jay” Howard said, hesitantly, almost expecting him to turn his back to him and walk away. “Can we talk, please?”

“Of course” Jason answered with an uncomfortable smile, and he proceeded to sit on the stairs leading to the stage, and Howard did the same at his side.

“I didn’t know if you would want to talk with me” Howard told him, honestly. If anything, they had always been honest to each other, and he was not about to change that now, no matter what.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t pick up the phone, but I just...” Jason tried to explain.

“I understand, don’t worry” Howard answered with a little smile.

Jason nodded to him, and silence fell upon them, oppressing both their chests with discomfort and unease.

“Are you okay?” Howard asked.

The only answer he received was a shrug of Jason’s shoulders.

“I don’t think you are” Howard insisted. “I saw Robbie trying to cheer you up before”

“I was not...” Jason tried to justify himself, but Howard didn’t need it.

“I know, Jay. I didn’t mean that”

“I was not trying to hurt you with it”

“I know. I really do”

Silence fell upon them again. It seemed almost if they had lost their connection, that instant chemistry that had always pulled them together in every situation. Now it looked like the only thing they shared was silence.

“Where are we now, Jay?” Howard asked abruptly, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to ask if they kept beating about the bush.

“How, I... I don’t think I can keep going on like this” Jason said, sadness too present on his voice.

“But Jay, I know I’ve been a complete idiot with this Robbie thing and I’m very sorry, but I’ve understood what you were trying to tell me about your friendship with him, so I will change, I promise”

“Until when?” Jason asked.

“What do you mean?” Howard asked, confused.

“You were jealous because you’re scared that someone will come and will give me what you don’t and I’ll just forget about you. It doesn’t even have to be Robbie, it would have happened with anybody that came and showed a little public affection with me. Because that’s what you won’t do, and you can’t stand it when others have the courage to do it”

“Jay, I know you’d want me to take a step further in this thing we have, but you know I can’t” Howard begged Jason to understand something even he couldn’t.

“No, I know that you won’t. God, you can’t even call it a relationship” Jason answered with a sad smile.

“You know what I mean” Howard pleaded with him.

“Of course I know, it’s not a matter of words. But I... I don’t want this anymore” Jason voice turned into only a whisper.

“You don’t want me?”

“Howard, don’t play with me, please. You know I want you. God, if you only knew how much... But I want much more of you. I’m sorry if you feel like I’m pressuring you, but I need it”

“But why can’t we stay like we were? We were happy, weren’t we?”

“Maybe at first, but not anymore”

“But why do we have to make it public? Why do you want to include everyone else in this? This is between you and me, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is. But I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to have you only when no one can’t see us. I want to always be with you, I want to be there for you and for you to be here with me when I need you, and not only when you’re available. I want to feel loved, I want to be someone’s priority. You know how important to me is to have as normal a life as possible. And that includes not having to lie”

“So it’s everything or nothing” Howard said, almost accusingly.

“Yes, because having you half way is hurting me too much” Jason answered, slightly annoyed. “Do you know how I feel when I have to leave your apartment because your girls are coming? You have no idea what it feels not to be welcome on the most important part of the life of the person you love. Can you even imagine when everybody is talking about their wives and their children, how it hits me every time that I do have nothing?”

“You make it sound like I’ve been a hindrance for that” Howard replied, feeling hurt and guilty at the same time.

“It has not been you, it’s been me and my inability to stop loving you, I’m very aware of that. Don’t take it as if I’m reproaching you of anything because I’m not. I’m just explaining to you why this is not enough anymore. Hope you understand” Jason looked like he was about to get up and go, but Howard gently grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Jay, wait. We’ve talked about this a hundred times. I’m not ready yet to...”

Jason chuckled humourlessly.

“If you aren’t ready after all these years, you are never going to be”

“I just can’t do it! What would my daughters say?”

“I don’t know. You tell me, they’re your children. Wouldn’t they be okay with it?”

“Maybe they would, I don’t know. But what about the boys?”

“Howard, please, just because they have been kind enough not to say anything doesn’t mean they don’t know, or at least have their suspicions. Do you think they are idiots? Why do you think nobody has asked us what was wrong today? We’ve known them for twenty years, for God’s sake, and they have been with us on tour for months! I think the only one who does not know what there is, or was, between us, is you”

“Can you imagine the scandal?” Howard knew his arguments were not getting him anywhere.

“Yes. But I would gladly accept it if it meant being with you. It’s clearly the lesser of two evils for me, for I would prefer to go through that than being without you. Obviously it’s not the same for you”

Howard remained thoughtful for a while, and Jason, just for a second, thought that he had gone through him and had made him see how things really were. So he almost couldn’t stop the tears when he was deceived once again.

“I just can’t” Howard sadly denied, shaking his head.

“Then... we can’t go on” Jason told him, his voice breaking.

“So is this an ending?”

“I just... I don’t want a lover anymore, How. I want a partner, someone to share my life with. I understand that this is not what you want and I respect your decision, and I want you to know that I’m not angry o resentful towards you. I just can’t go on like this” Jason’s voice kept turning softer as he spoke, tears evident on his throat.

“But I love you” Howard told him as he grabbed his hand, almost expecting Jason to refuse the contact, but he didn’t.

“And I love you. More than you’ll ever know. But it seems like love is not enough anymore”

“I don’t want to lose you” Howard begged once more.

“You are not going to lose me. I don’t think I would be able to stop caring about you even if I wanted. Ever. I will always be there if you need me” Jason promised him with a squeeze to his hand. Then he tenderly kissed Howard’s cheek and stood up.

Howard felt the wetness that Jason’s tears left on his cheek with the contact, and he knew he had lost him forever. His heart had never felt emptier than it did at that moment.


	4. Chapter 4

Finally the  _Progress_  tour started, and both Jason and Howard were glad about it because of the change it represented with regard to the monotonous and tension-filled rehearsals. Both of them had tried to normalise their relationship, to turn it into a simple friendship, so they wouldn’t have to feel weird around each other, or make the others feel uncomfortable. And they pretty much succeeded when they were with the band. It was much more difficult when they were alone, though. When there was no one else around to pretend and both of them could feel what the other was thinking. What the other was feeling. So they started trying not to be left alone if they could help it, and avoided each other as much as they could.

Doing the Kidz routine every night was like a torture for Howard, knowing he got to travel all the way up Jason’s body with his face and then he couldn’t even touch him. He supposed it was the same for Jason, for Howard could feel him standing further and further away from him every night while the final handshake.

On top of everything, Howard still had space to feel guilty about something else: ruining the tour for Jason. He knew how Jason enjoyed touring –he was always reluctant at first, but then they would do the first show and there was nothing that could stop him after that. Until him. He had taken the energy and the joy out of him, and he knew Jason kept going just out of pure stubbornness and of his responsibility to the band.

Howard sighed, sitting on the dressing room he usually shared with all his band mates, but he was alone. He had arrived early on purpose to be on his own for a while, to be able to enjoy a little time without the pressure of seeing the always-present pain in Jason’s eyes. What he hadn’t expected was for Robbie to be there this early, he thought as the younger man entered the room.

“Hey, Howard, I didn’t know you’d be here” Robbie told him, quite surprised of seeing him there, sitting on a sofa, doing nothing.

“I wasn’t expecting you either” Howard answered in an emotionless voice that left Robbie wondering if he was welcome in the room or not. Robbie had noticed a slight aversion towards him from Howard since the preparations for the tour had started, and he knew Howard was still reticent about his presence in the band. What he didn’t know was if he didn’t want him there as a member of the band or of the little universe the four of them had created for themselves.

“Do you... want me to go?” he asked, almost expecting an affirmative answer.

“Of course not, Rob, you can stay” Howard answered kindly enough, though he didn’t look at Robbie.

Robbie nodded and made his way towards the drinks table to pull himself a glass of water and then sat on the sofa opposite Howard, who had not moved a muscle since he entered.

“Howard” Robbie started tentatively. “Can we talk for a minute?”

The last thing in the world Howard was in the mood for was talking. But he knew he had not been nice with Robbie, and it was not fair to pay all his frustrations with him, so he owed him that.

“Yes, of course”

“Do you... do you have a problem with me?” Robbie asked, much more abruptly than Howard had expected.

“It’s more complicated than that” Howard answered with a humourless laugh.

“Does it have something to do with Jay?”

“What do you mean?” Howard tried to look confused, but he knew perfectly well what Robbie was talking about.

“Does my newly found closeness with him bother you?”

Howard sighed before answering. When had Robbie become so direct?

“And why would it bother me?” Howard answered, though he was getting really tired of pretending all the time.

“Howard, I know about you two” Robbie told him frankly, to which Howard felt shocked. “No, don’t look at me like that, Jay didn’t tell me anything. I’ve just always known. Well, not really known, but I had my suspicions. It was kind of obvious, wasn’t it? You should see how you look at him and how a smile breaks in your lips when he dances” Robbie said with a smile. “You already did back at the 90s”

“Did I?” Howard replied, with a little smile, knowing it was true.

“Yes, you did. But... neither of you two smiles anymore” Robbie hesitantly said.

“I know” Howard answered, almost curtly.

“Does it have anything to do with me?”

“Kind of” Howard answered, evasively.

“Howard, you have to understand that there’s nothing between Jay and me beyond a great friendship. I won’t lie to you, I adore Jay, I really do, it’s like I’m getting to know him all over again and I love what I see. There were a lot of issues between me and him that I never thought we would be able to overcome, but we did, and I’m really glad to have him as my friend, even my best friend. But that’s it, I love Ayda, she’s the love of my life. And you are the love of Jay’s life, I would never be able to compete with you. I don’t think he could ever love anybody else”

“How can you be so sure?” Howard asked, though he had never doubted Jason’s love.

“Because I’ve seen how he smiles when he looks at you too” Robbie smiled again, getting a small grin from Howard too.

“He’s the most special person I’ve ever known. And I’ve been so lucky as for him to love me unreservedly for decades. You know how people say we don’t know what we have until we lose it? That’s not true, I knew what I had, and everyday he woke up by my side I felt grateful for it. And yet, I’ve managed to screw it up. And I’ll never forgive myself for hurting him that way”

“You’ve hurt him, that’s right. I can see it in his eyes every day. I’m sure nobody else would be able to hurt him so much”

“I know that, Rob, you don’t have to tell me” Howard answered, upset at Robbie’s words even if he knew how true they were.

“No, Howard, you didn’t get it. I mean you’re the only one in the place to hurt him like that because you’re the only one he’s ever allowed to do it. And that’s why you are the only one who can make it all better”

“I don’t know...” Howard told him with a sad sigh. “I don’t know anything anymore...”

 “I’m very sorry if I contributed to your fall out in any way”

“No, the reasons were much deeper than that, I just hadn’t realised it. It was much easier to blame you than my own cowardice. It’s a pity I couldn’t see it any sooner”

“Why do you assume it is too late now? I don’t think Jay has stopped loving you. Nor you have stopped loving him”

“Because Jay doesn’t want to be with me anymore. And I don’t blame him, I’ve never done anything to make him happy”

“And do you know what would make him happy?”

“You bet I do” Howards answered with a sad chuckle.

“Then I really don’t understand what you are waiting for” Robbie told him honestly, as he squeezed his shoulder and got up from the sofa as he heard Mark entering the room too.

**********

Howard had always like performing some nights in a row in their city, because that meant they could spend the nights at home and not in some cold anonymous hotel. And especially if he got to have his girls with him, like tonight. In fact, they were the only reason that kept him from breaking down, he thought. Maybe that was why Jason was even worse than him: he had organised all his life around Howard, and now that they weren’t together anymore, he was completely at a loss of how to cope with it. Howard hoped Robbie was able to help him somehow.

He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his former lover tonight. He surely would be feeling cold tonight, as always, and would curl on Howard’s chest to share his body heat. At least that was his excuse, Howard remembered with a fond smile, but Howard knew he just loved to have his strong arms around him. After a concert they would start the night by watching some telly, and then either they would get drowsy and go to bed to cuddle until they fell asleep or they would get playful and would end up in bed too but with very different intentions.

But he couldn’t stay like that forever, Howard knew. His years with Jason had probably been the best of his life, but they were over. He had to go on, even if he didn’t know how to do it. Here were his daughters, who needed him and who were more than worth fighting for. So he tried to take Jason out of his head and give his attention to the girls. That’s when he noticed they were trying to do some of the Take That choreographies, fooling around to pass the time, and Howard had to laugh at the spectacle. He even helped them remember if they forgot any moves.

If Jason was here he would not only telling them what move to do next, he would be dancing with them for sure, making them laugh and have the greatest time. That was Jason, never doing anything half way, always giving the best of himself to make everyone happy.

Howard could have kicked his own shin at realising his mind had wandered again towards that tall and thin, blue-eyed man that had been at his side for the last twenty years. And that’s when it really hit him. Here he was, with his girls at home, totally busy trying to keep on with their unlimited energy, and he was still missing Jason. He didn’t need him just to fill the emptiness of his flat and his heart when he was alone, as he had always thought. He missed him as a part of his life. He needed to bring him back to it, fully and forever. And that’s what he was going to do, he promised himself.

**********

Howard had spent awake almost all night just thinking what he could do to make Jason see he had finally understood how much he needed him in his life and how willing he was to go all the way with him, to give himself to him and to tell it to the world.

He knew words would not be enough, as he had hurt Jason too much and too many times for him to trust him so easily. He had realized he needed some action to show him he wanted him in every aspect of his life, and if that included being public about it, so be it.

It was DVD night at the tour, so it meant everything they did today would get registered forever. And it would not only be seen but the thousands of people at the stadium, but by millions of people in their houses. Was there a better way to make his point?

When the time for his plan came, he climbed to his throne for the  _Kidz_  song, his heart beating so fast he was afraid Jason would hear it when he approached, even though he knew it was impossible. His hands were sweating, so he hoped he wouldn’t fall clumsily to the floor when he made his break-dance move.

Finally the music gave them their cue and knew the time to change his future and the one of the person he had loved for years had come. He picked the sword from the dancer and pointed it at Jason while they fixed their gaze on each other, as they did every night as a part of the choreography. But Jason had seen something different on Howard’s eyes tonight, Howard could see by his confused expression. He hoped Jason wouldn’t run away from him or slap him in the face when he did what he was about to do.

They both threw the swords away and Howard did his break-dance move to the sound of Robbie’s rapping. Then, as every night, Jason approached him and stretched his long leg in his direction when he was getting up to make it look hot. But Howard didn’t just get up as any other day: he made sure to breathe out all along Jason’s skin as he went up his body very close, in an intimate gesture that elicited a sigh from Jason. Howard ran his hands up Jason’s body too, brushing his sides, leaving Jason unable to move from surprise and arousal at the same time. And when Howard’s face reached Jason’s, he just needed to lean over a few inches to join their lips in a quick –they still had a choreography to keep with– but very revealing kiss. Jason stood there, motionless and speechless, until Howard smiled fondly at him and gently grabbed his arms to make him turn and start dancing.

Howard’s heart skipped a beat when Jason got a bit shaky on one of the spins because of the shock he was experiencing, but being the great dancer that he was, he kept his balance and was able to complete his moves without incident.

Howard made his part of the dance without taking his eyes of Jason’s, gently smiling at him and trying to guess what was going on inside Jason’s head, as the shock on his face didn’t reveal very much of his feelings behind it.

Then Jason did his usual spins at the end of the dance-off and Robbie, as he usually did, acknowledged Jason by his name for his fantastic moves, and Howard just nodded and signalled at him with his arms, beaming with pride. And when Jason got up from the floor and approached Howard like he was supposed to do, he did not dare to look at him, in case the kiss had just been a fit of passion and he was deceived just once again. But Howard was having none of that: he needed Jason to see how serious he was, so he approached him until he was just mere inches from him and put a finger under his chin to lift his face.

Jason couldn’t avoid Howard’s eyes anymore, and his own widened with surprise at Howard’s tender smile and loving gaze. Could it be...? But before he made any decision about it, Mark started singing the next verse, so Jason just gave a step backwards and held Howard’s hand in a handshake, all the while looking at him, as if fearing that what he had seen in Howard’s eyes would just disappear. But it didn’t, so a smile very much like Howard’s broke on his lips too.

Man, wasn’t it going to be difficult to finish the concert!

**********                                                                                                                                            

The audience applauded like crazy as the five members of the band joined their hands to take a bow in gratitude for their support. It had been a great night and they all had been fantastic, but for once Jason couldn’t care less about that: he could only think about Howard and his actions that night, and how would he explain them.

They all went down the stairs from the stage and walked towards the dressing room. Jason was in a very strong need to talk to Howard in private, so he approached him with the intention of stopping him before they went into the dressing room with the others.

“How, what...?” he asked, but Howard just smiled at him and grabbed his hand to make him follow, leaving Jason still more confused than before.

As soon as the five of them made it to the dressing room, Howard turned to Jason –who by now was completely bewildered– to lovingly cup both his cheeks with his hands, and then slowly he leant over and covered Jason’s lips with his own in a kiss that lingered, as the other three just stood rooted to their place, unable to take their eyes of the surprising spectacle offered by their band mates.

When the kiss broke, Howard remained looking into Jason’s eyes for a second, trying to guess if he was doing right. Then he smiled again at him, and only let go of his cheeks to proudly hold his hand in his again, while turning to the other boys.

“You must be wondering what this is all about” Howard told them with a nervous laugh.

“Pretty much” was all Gary was able to say.

“I just needed you guys to see how much I love Jay and how serious I am about needing him in my life again”

“Again?” Mark asked, not really surprised, just wanting to make sure.

“Yes, again. I know it was important for him not to keep it a secret anymore, so that’s why I did what I did tonight.” Howard explained to them, but then his eyes turned to Jason. “I know I’ve hurt you so much, but I’m taking a chance on your generosity once more to have me back for good” Howard asked Jason, who hadn’t been able to speak a word yet, so overwhelmed he was about everything.

“Do you want us to sing it to you?” Gary joked with Howard’s choice of words, trying to distend the emotion-filled atmosphere of the room, to which all of them smiled.

“What do you say?” Howard asked Jason, hopefully.

“Completely?” Jason asked, knowing Howard would know what he meant.

“Absolutely” Howard answered with a big smile, to which Jason could only sigh.

 “Why don’t we three go and have a shower and leave you two alone for a while?” Gary suggested, and Mark followed him towards the bathroom. Robbie just waited a second to give Jason a wink and a smile, and he squeezed his shoulder as he passed him by.

Jason looked at Howard’s eyes, full of expectation and unconditional love, and the only thing he could do was embrace him with all his forces, closing his eyes in bliss as Howard’s arms encircled his waist and his lips deposited a kiss on the crook of his neck.

“Do you really mean it?” Jason asked, leaning his head backwards so he could look at the man standing in front of him.

“You’ve always been very good at reading me. What do you see?” Howard asked.

Jason again fixed his gaze in Howard’s eyes and a smile slowly grew on his lips until it lit his whole face.

“I see that you really mean it”

“That’s because I do” he answered, as he observed Jason’s eyes shining at the emotion of it.

“But I don’t get it. What changed?” Jason asked, cupping Howard’s cheek.

“I changed. I realized I was not only missing what we had, but I was missing what he hadn’t had yet. Does it make any sense?” Howard laughed, making Jason chuckle too.

“Of course it does”

“I want you to move in with me. Or I’ll move in with you, whatever works best for you. Just please, take me back, I love you, I can’t be without you” Howard rambled, making Jason laugh fondly.

“Stop it or you are going to hyperventilate” Jason said with a laugh. He felt like his heart was about to burst with happiness. “I think we are going too fast here, though”

“What?” Howard answered, as he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I’m only joking, you fool” Jason answered, laughed, as he threw himself at Howard’s arms and kissed him with passion, feeling Howard’s smile against his lips.

“Very funny, you little bastard! Am I still in time to back out?” Howard joked once the kiss broke, walking to the sofa and bringing Jason with him in his embrace.

“Like the hell you are!” Jason answered, only half joking.

Howard sat at the sofa, bringing Jason with him to sit at his side, impossibly close.

“So will you take me back? I promise to be there when you need me and let you be a part of the most important things in my life” Howard told him honestly, knowing Jason would recognize his own words from their break up conversation.

“How could I not when that’s why I’ve wanted all my life?”

“I’m not letting you go ever again” Howard promised.

“You better” Jason laughed.

“So what do you say?” Howard asked him, nuzzling Jason’s cheek.

“About what?”

“Who should move in with whom?”

“Neither”

“You don’t want us to live together?” Howard asked, a little afraid Jason would be the one not ready this time.

“I want us to start from scratch together. We should find a place that is not mine or yours. Just ours from the beginning” Jason stopped talking for a second to contemplate the beautiful smile that had invaded Howard’s face, but he kept on with his daydreaming. “And not a small apartment, but a big and beautiful house with a couple of dogs running around the garden...”

“Dogs?” Howard asked him, with a chuckle.

“And we should have a room for each one of your daughters and have them decorate it as they want, for whenever they come to stay with us”

“How did I not see it sooner?” Howard asked him, bewildered at how easily Jason was again thinking about every single aspect that made Howard happy.

“What?” Jason asked, confused.

“How perfect you are, and how lucky me and my girls are going to be with you in our family”

Jason just chuckled and rested his head on Howard’s shoulder, feeling more contented that he had ever felt as Howard kissed his temple lovingly.

“I want to give it a try more than anything in the world. But I can’t promise you it will work, you know” Howard told him, more seriously this time.

“I never asked you to promise me anything, just to give it a try. I can’t and I won’t ask for more than that” Jason answered honestly, lifting his head from Howard’s shoulder to look at him. Howard just smiled and caressed Jason’s fringe before planting a kiss on Jason’s nose, making him smile back and curl on Howard’s chest, letting him put his arms around him.

**********

_Three weeks later_

Jason was sitting on the sofa, with an open book on his lap that he was not reading due to all the noise and distractions on his home. However, he was not annoyed or angry; in fact, he couldn’t be more happy about it. Lola was busy drawing on the coffee table, sitting on the floor in front of him, her face filled with pure concentration to which Jason could only smile. From upstairs came Grace’s voice, who was trying to convince his dad that yes, pink used to be his favourite colour and that no, it wasn’t anymore so she didn’t want the walls on her room all painted in pink.

It was not much later when father and daughter entered the room, and Jason just smiled at his boyfriend as he sat down next to him on the sofa.

“Jay, tell my dad I’m old enough to choose the colour on my walls” Grace pleaded for Jason’s help.

“Love, your daughter is old enough to choose the colour on her walls” Jason light-heartedly repeated, definitely closing his book and leaving it on the coffee table.

“And tell him to let me go to my friend’s party tomorrow afternoon”

“Love, your daughter... wait a minute, you are not going to get me there, I’ll let your father decide that”

“You were much cooler when you weren’t a part of the family” Grace joked with him.

“I know, but what do you wanted me to do? Your father couldn’t live without me”

“And how true is that...” Howard whispered in his ear, making his heart flutter.

“Jay” Lola, oblivious to the previous conversation between the other three, called him suddenly.

“Yes?” Jason answered, kindly.

“I don’t know how to write your name yet” Lola told him, showing him the picture he had made of three people, conveniently tagged as Grace, Daddy and herself. There was another figure there, still without a name, that melted Jason’s heart when he realised it was him.

“Do you want me to show you, sweetie?” Jason offered.

“Yes, please” she answered with a beaming smile, grabbing the pencil to give it to Jason and immediately climbing on his lap, eliciting yet another big grin on Jason –and on Howard, who couldn’t be any prouder at watching the interaction between two of the most important people in his life.

“Let’s see, we’ll write ‘Jay’ that only has three letters, ok?” Jason told her, grabbing her hand and moving it so it was her doing the writing with his help.

“Dad” Grace insisted, sitting next to his father and resting her head on his shoulder, trying to soften him into letting her go to the party. “Please, let me go tomorrow with my friends...”

“Grace, we’ve already talked about it, you’re much too young to be walking alone on the street when the party finishes” Howard explained calmly to her.

“How, come on, let her go” Jason intervened. “We could pick her up after the party. Better yet, we could take Lola to the cinema and pick Grace up on our way home” Jason told his partner, winking an eye at Grace, who had to suppress a smile at Jason’s intervention. “What do you say, Lola? Do you want to go to the cinema tomorrow?” Jason asked, as he tickled her sides, making her laugh like crazy.

“Yes!” she shouted excitedly.

“Ok! Ok, I can see when I’m being ganged up against. You can go, but as Jay said, we’ll come and get you after the party” he warned his eldest daughter.

“Do you really have to do it? I could come back...”

“Take it or leave it” Howard threw an ultimatum.

“Ok, ok, I’ll take it. Thank you, Jay” Grace smiled gratefully at his father’s partner.

“You’re welcome, sweetie” Jason answered with a smile.

“Thank you, Jay? Am I invisible here?” Howard playfully complained.

“Thanks, daddy” Grace said with a laugh, and then he kissed his father’s cheek.

“But there’s one more condition”

“What?”

“You abandon us to go to that party tomorrow, so now you have to watch a movie with us” Howard blackmailed her, feeling in the mood for some family quality time.

“Really?”

“Really” Howard said as he picked the remote from the coffee table to switch on the telly and find a programme they would all like. It wasn’t much later when Grace rested her head on his shoulder, so he smiled and put an arm around her, bringing her close.

Then he turned his gaze around to see how his other daughter, still on Jason’s lap, had made herself comfortable and had nestled up to Jason’s chest. What a picture they made, Howard thought, as a happiness like he had never experienced before filled his heart.

“Will you ever forgive me?” he suddenly whispered in Jason’s ear, after making sure his daughters were concentrated on the telly.

“For what?” Jason turned to him, puzzled.

“For taking this long” Howard said, signalling with his hand all around them.

It took Jason a second to understand what he meant, but once he did, a big and bright smile lit his whole face and he shook his head jokingly.

“I don’t think so”

Of course, Howard knew better and returned his smile, as he took Jason’s hand to entwine their fingers together.

“I guess I deserve it” Howard joked back, and Jason responded resting his head on Howard’s shoulder.

“You do, but I love you all the same” he told him.

“I love you too” Howard answered, kissing his boyfriend’s temple, his heart bursting with joy.

 

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it! This is the end! I really really hope you liked it! thanks for your comments and kudos! ;)


End file.
